Super Mario Rainbow
by zorrodude84
Summary: Mario Sunshine parody with a few surprises... Please R&R!
1. 1 Welcome to Isle Elefino!

I do not own anything in this story, but some names are my own invention. Also, I would like to apologize in advance to all those who have chosen alternative lifestyles. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Princess Peach's jumbo jet is seen flying across a clear blue sky. In the passenger seating, Princess Peach, Mario, and Toadsworth are staring at a screen at the front of the seating area. On the screen is the image of an island shaped like a mix between an elephant and a rhino. Abruptly, a rainbow appears over the island.  
  
Princess Peach: Ooh, pretty.  
  
Voice on intercom: Welcome to beautiful Isle Elefino, where brilliant sunshine and stunning rainbows are the norm. We will be landing shortly.  
  
Mario: Ah, finally, a vacation.  
  
In the clear sky, the title appears.  
  
Super Mario Rainbow  
  
PRESS START, YOU F#%*ING IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
The jumbo jet goes to land at the Elefino Airstrip, but has to make a rough landing because the runway is covered in a gooey paint-like substance. Mario, Peach, Toadsworth, and an entourage of Toads exit from the plane.  
  
Princess Peach: What is that.  
  
Toadsworth: It looks like a glop of paint in the shape of a J.  
  
Princess Peach: Nothing else?  
  
Toadsworth: No, just J.  
  
Mario, who is examining the paint, slips and falls in. When he stands up, he is covered in the stuff. Suddenly, to Mario, Toadworth starts to look very handsome.  
  
Mario: Come-a here, big-a boy.  
  
Toadsworth (sheepishly): Well, I, um, . ^_^ Okay!  
  
The two embrace, and are just about to kiss, when Princess Peach throws a bucket of water on Mario, cleansing him of the paint. Mario suddenly snaps back to reality.  
  
Mario: 0.0 YUCK!  
  
Toadsworth blushes and giggles.  
  
Princess Peach: That paint must make you into a homosexual!  
  
Toadsworth: That's funny. I got a little on me, and I don't feel any different.  
  
All but Toadsworth: o.0  
  
Princess Peach looks over towards some water tanks and sees a faint silhouette of a tall, thin man holding what looks to be a mascara brush.  
  
Princess Peach: Over there!  
  
She looks again and the figure is gone.  
  
Princess Peach: Must be a trick of the heat.  
  
Mario, who didn't hear Princess Peach the second time is running like an idiot towards the water tanks. He jumps and spin-kicks it, bursting the tank and soaking himself.  
  
Mysterious voice: What are you doing?  
  
Mario looks around, then spots a backpack water tank colored a bright pink.  
  
Water tank: Analyzing specimen. Identified as Mario, Godfather of the Mushroom Kingdom Mafia. Hello. I am the Flamboyant Aquatic Gun, or F.A.G. for short. I can spray water straight forward and I can also be used to hover for a short distance.  
  
Mario: Can I-a use you to-a kill mutant mushrooms and-a giant plants?  
  
F.A.G.: Yes.  
  
Mario: Okey-dokey.  
  
Mario gives a peace sign. He then runs back to the giant J and sprays it with water. Suddenly, a giant piranha plant appears.  
  
Piranha plant: I say, old bean, why do you insist on disturbing my nap?  
  
Mario: Die motha-f#%*a!!  
  
Mario sprays the piranha plant in the mouth, killing it on the spot. The paint disappears, and a shining object appears where the piranha plant once stood.  
  
Princess Peach: What is that.  
  
Toadsworth: It's a Rainbow Bright Doll! It looks just like mine!  
  
Everybody but Toadsworth: o.0  
  
Mario jumps and grabs the doll, does a victory dance, throws the doll on the ground, spins, gives a piece sign, and says Woo-hoo!. (For later reference, I will refer to this as the Mario shuffle.)  
  
The screen fades out.  
  
Would you like to save?  
  
Yes? No?  
  
No.  
  
You really should save.  
  
Yes? No?  
  
No.  
  
YOU BETTER F#%*ING SAVE, YOU GOT IT?!!  
  
Yes? Yes?  
  
Yes.  
  
The screen goes blank. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Please Read and Review!! GOT IT?!! 


	2. 2 The Trial

I do not own anything in this story, but some names are my own invention. Also, I would like to apologize in advance to all those who have chosen alternative lifestyles. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- As the screen opens, Mario, Peach, Toadsworth, and an assembly of Toads are standing on Elefino Airstrip.  
  
Peach: Oh, Mario!  
  
Toadsworth: That's quite a useful backpack you have there.  
  
F.A.G.: I am F.A.G., the Flamboyant Aquatic Gun from Gass Inc.  
  
Toadsworth: Remarkable! Say, umm, F.A.G., was it? Would you like to, umm, you know, meet me at the hotel for, umm, some playtime?  
  
F.A.G.: Ha. Ha. Sure.  
  
Toadsworth: ^_^  
  
Everybody Else: o.0  
  
As Mario tucks the Amazing Shrinking Rainbow Bright doll in his back pocket, a duo of Piñata (natives) police rush up on Mario, trailing paper máche and candy. They grab him and put him in handcuffs, and then throw him on the ground and start beating him. Mario goes unconcious.  
  
When he wakes up, Mario is handcuffed and seated in the defendant's chair in Elefino Courthouse.  
  
Bailiff: All rise for the honorable (cough) Judge Jude.  
  
As "Hey Jude" plays in the background, an aging Piñata walks in and sits behind the bench. Judge Jude looks vaguely like Judge Mills Lane.  
  
Judge Jude: I want to see a nice, clean case. Now, let's get it on!  
  
Mario: I'm-a innocent! I was-a the one-a that cleaned up-a the Airstrip!  
  
Judge Jude: Don't spit on my hamburger and tell me it's special sauce! Prosecutor what do you have to say?  
  
Prosecutor: Our lovely island of Elefino has been beset by a strange, goop- like substance. This goop has caused several of our citizens to become homosexuals, and it also has caused many of our famous landmarks to disappear. It has even threatened our very way of life! The Rainbow Bright Dolls, once protectors of our outrageous lifestyles, have fled their traditional gathering spot, the Rainbow Tower. It seems they have fled because of this strange goop. According to this police drawing, it is obvious that the guilty party is here among us, and it is none other than Mario!  
  
He holds up a poster of a thin, shadowy person with a crew cut, who is also holding a mascara brush.  
  
Peach: Objection! That looks nothing like Mario.  
  
Judge Jude: Shut yer trap! If I wanted to be told how to do my job, I would hire a lawyer, not a nitwit, stuck-up Princess. Mario, I hereby sentence you to clean up the pollution on Isle Elefino. You can't leave until all of your vile handiwork is cleaned up.  
  
Judge Jude bangs his gavel, and the screen cuts to Mario's jail cell.  
  
Mario: Mama-mia! What-a are we-a gonna do!?  
  
F.A.G.: WEREN'T YOU EVEN LISTENING TO WHAT THE PROSECUTOR WAS SAYING!!! HE EXPLAINED THE WHOLE THING TO YOU!!!  
  
Mario: Sor-ry. I fell asleep.  
  
F.A.G.: I wish I had that luxury.  
  
F.A.G. then restates what the prosecutor said.  
  
Mario: So, I have to clean up the pollution, retrieve the Rainbow Bright Dolls, and stop this dude who's impersonating me, is that right?  
  
F.A.G.: (lets out a big sigh) Yes, for the tenth time.  
  
The screen goes black.  
  
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR MY F#%*ING EXPLANATION AGAIN!!?  
  
Y-y-yes??? No!  
  
Yes.  
  
YOU F#%*ING #%&HOLE!! I'M F#%*ING GOING TO KILL YOU!!!  
  
The last scene replays.  
  
YOU BETTER NOT WANT TO HEAR THAT D#%& EXPLANATION AGAIN!!  
  
Yes. No.  
  
No.  
  
The screen goes blank. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------- Well, Chapter 2 is up. Did you like it? Please Review! 


	3. 3 Pandemonium in Elefino Plaza!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
FanFic. Disclaimer: I do not own the style in which I wrote my disclaimer, but I do own this disclaimer. Hahahahah.  
  
0.o  
  
As the scene opens, Mario is standing outside of the Elefino Courthouse, with police officers on both sides of him.  
  
Officer 1: Go clean up the mess in the plaza. And NO SLACKING!!!!!  
  
Officer 2: Yeah, NO F#%*ING SLACKING!!! (smacks nightstick in hand)  
  
Mario: 0.0.  
  
Mario runs as fast as he can towards the plaza. When he gets there, he sees that the plaza is covered entirely in the strange, goop-like,.stuff. Peach, Toadsworth, and a bunch of Toads are huddled together.  
  
Mario: Holy Calzone!! (Dreamily) Mmm, Calzone.  
  
Distant Voice: Hey, NO SLACKING!!! Do you want me to get out the hose!?  
  
Mario runs towards the paint and sprays it with F.A.G. Little paint blobs start bubbling up out of the goop.  
  
Paint Blobs: (singing in munchkin voices) "We represent the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild, the lollipop guild."  
  
Mario: DIE!!!  
  
He sprays the blobs, and they burst, letting out munchkin screams. Mario then sprays the central blob of goop, causing a Pirahna Plant to pop up.  
  
Piranha Plant: (doing a Dirty Harry impersonation) I've got just one question for ya: Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?  
  
Mario and the Piranha Plant start to battle. Meanwhile, Peach is walking along the beach, where she spots Karen from "Will & Grace" lounging on a lounge chair and sipping on a martini.  
  
Peach: Oh my, you're on that show "Will & Grace" ^_^ ! You're lovely!  
  
Karen: Thanks honey. You're not that bad looking yourself.  
  
Peach: Really?  
  
Karen: No, but that look on your face is priceless. Hahaha! Now hurry up and get me another martini!  
  
Peach: You.you.mean woman!  
  
Peach walks away and is walking along the Fruit Bazaar when Wario, whose face is covered with warts, pulls up in his Fatmobile. He jumps out in front of Peach.  
  
Wario: Hey-a Peachy, how-sa 'bout you and me-a cruise around the island together, huh?  
  
Peach: Woogie, you know there's a restraining order. You're not allowed to be within a radius of 5 miles from me!  
  
Wario: My name's not-a Woogie, it's-a Wario!  
  
Wario gets a demented look in his eye, then lunges for Peach. She tries to run away, but Wario grabs her ankle and causes her to fall. Wario jumps back up holding Peach's shoes in his arms.  
  
Wario: Haha, they're finally mine!  
  
He jumps in his car, then looks at Karen.  
  
Wario: Hey sweet-cheeks, hop in.  
  
Karen jumps into the passenger side of the Fatmobile, and she and Wario drive off, leaving Peach barefoot in the street. Meanwhile, Mario is still battling the Piranha Plant, who refuses to die. Suddenly, he hears Peach yelling in the distance.  
  
Peach: MARIO!!!  
  
Mario dodges an attack from the persistent Piranha Plant, then runs towards Peach.  
  
Toadsworth: Master Mario, the Piranha Plant.  
  
Mario ignores Toadsworth, as well as the two police officers chasing after him. Finally, he reaches Peach.  
  
Mario: What's-a the matter?  
  
Peach: Woogie stool my shoes again. Wahh!  
  
Peach starts crying. A single teardrop hits the ground and slowly but determined it makes its way towards the Piranha Plant.  
  
Piranha Plant: Oh sh.  
  
The teardrop makes contact with the Piranha Plant, causing it to have a spasm and disappear. Suddenly, a slight tremor is felt all through Elefino Plaza.  
  
Mario & Peach: What was that?  
  
Suddenly, a statue pops up out of the center of the plaza. The statue is of a male Piñata in very suggestive clothing.  
  
Mario & Gang: 0.o  
  
Toadsworth: Oooh, pretty.  
  
On top of the statue is Jack from "Will & Grace". He is holding a mascara brush in his hand and is dressed in khaki overalls with a cashmere sweater, a silk chartreuse scarf, and a sailor's cap. Suddenly, he jumps off of the statue and starts running through the plaza.  
  
Jack: Hot buns, comin' through!  
  
He snatches Peach and starts carrying her over his shoulder as he continues to run through the plaza.  
  
Peach: Mario, HELP!!!  
  
Jack runs through the alley with Mario in hot pursuit. He stops by Toadsworth and whispers something in his ear. Toadsworth giggles and claps his hands, looking very much like a gitty schoolgirl.  
  
Mario: Die imposter!!!  
  
Mario sprays water at Jack.  
  
Jack: What an interesting device.Ahh! My sweater! It's SHRINKING!!! Goodbye, cruel world!  
  
Jack runs back to the statue and paints a J on the statue's base. He then jumps, and he is absorbed into the J. Mario runs to the statue. He jumps at the J and smacks into the statue.  
  
Mario: Ouch-a.  
  
F.A.G.: TRY SPRAYING WATER AT IT.  
  
Mario: Okey-dokey.  
  
Mario sprays water at the J, revealing an image of a peaceful town inside the J.  
  
Mario: Ooh, pretty.  
  
F.A.G.: JUMP.  
  
Mario jumps into the J and is absorbed.  
  
Mario: Okey-dokey!  
  
The Screen goes blank.  
  
What did you think? Please Review! 


	4. 4 Welcome to Binaca Hills!

I do not own anything in this story, but some names are my own invention. Also, I would like to apologize in advance to all those who have chosen alternative lifestyles.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~

Mario materializes at the end of a path leading to a small Piñata village. A couple of the native kids are playing on a Slip & Slide that runs downhill towards a river. The air smells minty-fresh.

Random Piñata 1: Welcome to Binaca Hills!

Random Piñata 2: Hi, I'm the sunglasses salesman. I'm running a special offer just for you: Collect 30 Rainbow Bright dolls, and I'll give you a pair of my sunglasses free!

He holds up a pair of sunglasses with a rainbow as the top part of the rims.

Mario: Umm-a, no thanks-a.

Mario runs towards the slip and slide, while the sunglasses salesman, cussing, kicks a nearby fruit tree. Mario bellyflops down the hill and splashes into the creek at the bottom. He jumps onto the nearby log and then onto the shore. A Piñata female runs up to him frantically.

Piñata woman: Help,theroadtothewindmillhasbeencoveredinpaintandwedon'tknowwhattodo,eventhoughwehavenouseforthewindmillwhatsoeverandwehaveclosedofthesectionthatiscoveredinpaintsoyouhavetogooverthewaterwheeloverthere!

Mario: Huh?

F.A.G.: JUST GO OVER THE WATERWHEEL, IDIOT.

Mario: I don't-a need your help-a!

Mario tries to jump over the wheel, but only succeeds in smacking his face on the wall above it. Finally, he realizes that he needs to ride on the paddles. Once over, he sees that a path is indeed covered in the strange paint-like goop, and that there seems to be a large pile of it at the foot of the bridge. As he walks towards this, one of the flowers pops up out of the ground and starts hop towards Mario.

Plant creature: Hi, I'm a representative of Jehovah's Witness, and I would like to talk to you about the benefits of our cul . . . organization.

Mario: Die, you demon!

He jumps on top of it, then heads towards the paint and cleans it up. When he reaches the bridge, a piranha plant rises up out of the pile of goop.

Mario: Surprise, surprise.

Piranha plant (in a Scottish accent): I'm gonna eat ya now. Get in mee belle!

F.A.G.: PLANTS DON'T HAVE BELLIES, DUMBA%#.

Piranha plant: Uhhh . . .

Meanwhile, Mario squirts water in the plant's mouth, causing it to wither and die. A Rainbow Bright doll appears, and Mario does the Mario Shuffle.

Mario: Can we-a go back to-a the plaza now-a?

F.A.G.: NO, WE MUST COLLECT ALL TEN OF THE DOLLS IN THIS AREA. WE DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO BACKTRACK NOW, DO WE?

Mario: I guess not.

Suddenly, they hear a trombone blast a slightly flat A sharp. They look up to see another piranha plant standing on top of the windmill, playing a trombone. It looks very nervous. A sign nearby reads: "Today only, Petey Piranha plays trombone!"

Random Piñata 3: Come on, give the little guy some support!

The crowd of Piñatas cheer and whistle.

Mario: No-a, don't provoke-a him!

Random Piñata 3: Okay.

He climbs into his ark filled with animals.

Mario: 0.o

Meanwhile, Petey honks on the trombone again, only this time a ball of goop comes flying out.

Random Piñata 4: Run away, run away!

The Piñatas run away, trailing candy and paper máche. Meanwhile, Mario climbs the windmill until he is face to navel with the monstrosity. Suddenly, the roof starts to crack.

Mario: I knew-a that I shouldn't-a eaten at-a Fazzoli's.

The roof caves in, and Mario and Petey find themselves inside the windmill.

Mario: You would think there would be gears in here. . .

F.A.G.: UMM, MARIO, WE HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW.

Petey has gotten up, and is starting to regurgitate paint.

Mario and F.A.G.: Ewww!

Mario sprays Petey in the mouth, until his belly is about to burst.

Mario: What's-a all this talk-a about plants not-a having bellies?

F.A.G.: SHUT UP AND JUST GROUND-POUND HIS NAVEL.

Mario is about to do just that, when he notices that Petey is wearing a belly ring.

Mario: I've-a got a better-a idea.

Mario grabs the ring and starts to pull, until the ring tears out of Petey's navel. Petey screams, turns to paint, and then crumbles, leaving a Rainbow Bright doll. Mario picks it up and does the Mario shuffle.

Mario: What-a now, oh enlightened she-male-a?

F.A.G.: THANKS FOR THE COMPLIMENT.

Mario: I-a was being-a sarcastic.

F.A.G.: WELL, PERHAPS WE SHOULD ASK THE LOCALS FOR HELP.

So Mario climbs out of the windmill (don't ask me how it turns, since there are no gears inside) and head toward the village. They find a run-down hut housing a hag.

F.A.G.: PERHAPS YOU SHOULD ASK HER FOR HELP.

Mario: Why-a?

F.A.G.: BECAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE A WITCH, AND SHE MIGHT HAVE SOME INFORMATION FOR YOU!

Mario: Jeez-a, alright.

Mario walks over to the hag and sits down in her hut.

Mario: So-a, can you-a tell me where-a the next-a Rainbow Bright Doll is-a?

Hag: It knows of a cave, a cave of secrets . . .

Mario: And this-a cave, it-a holds the-a doll?

Hag: Search out the secret of the lakeside cave.

She cackles, and she and the hut disappear.

Mario: Weird-a.

F.A.G.: PERHAPS YOU SHOULD FOLLOW HER ADVICE.

Mario: Why-a couldn't I just-a be stuck with-a nice fire flower?

Mario heads towards the lakeside cave, crosses the raised platforms in the lake, and finds himself in front of the cave, all without using F.A.G.'s help.

F.A.G.: IMPRESSIVE, FOR A FAT HETERO.

Mario: Blow-a me.

F.A.G.: I WOULD LOVE TO, IF I COULD REACH.

Mario shudders. He enters the cave, only to find . . .

Mario: **WEEGIE**?!!

Standing in the cave is Luigi, wearing a green ballerina's outfit, complete with tutu, slippers, and a silver tiara. He held a silver wand in his hand.

Luigi: I can explain! Their holding auditions for Swan Lake!

Mario: But you're dressed in women's clothing!!

F.A.G.: ANALYSIS SHOWS SIGNS OF A PAINT-LIKE RESIDUE COVERING HIS BODY.

Mario sprays Luigi with F.A.G., and he returns to his normal state. The ballerina's outfit becomes a green plumber's outfit, the tiara becomes a green cap, and the wand becomes a plunger.

Luigi: Oh, thank you, bro! I couldn't control myself for a moment. Here, take my Rainbow Bright Doll as thanks.

Mario starts to do the Mario shuffle, then stops and stares at his brother.

Mario: o.0

But as soon as he does this, Luigi has vanished.

Mario: This is-a getting weirder and-a weirder . . .

As Mario exits the cave, a Piñata in a pin-striped suit is standing in the center of the road to the windmill.

Ringleader Piñata: Come one, come all! Step right up! The first person to collect all eight of my special red coins gets a FREE Rainbow Bright Doll! Step right up!

Mario realizes his opportunity and begins to collect all of the coins he can find. When he reaches the top of the wall, a ghost materializes before him.

Mario: Hmm, if I-a look at him-a, maybe he'll-a vanish.

F.A.G.: MARIO, THIS IS NOT A BOO. IT IS NOT THAT SHY, AND IF YOU DON'T MOVE, HE WILL ONLY RAM INTO YOU.

Ghost: Actually, I am an official salesghost of Avon supplies.

Mario: Ahhh-a!!!

Mario runs off.

F.A.G.: (as Mario runs away) RESERVE YOUR FACE CREAM FOR ME . . .

Needless to say, Mario eventually gathers all of the red coins, avoiding the salesghosts he meets. Once he has all of the coins, he returns to the Ringleader Piñata.

Ringleader Piñata: We have a winner!

He hands Mario the Rainbow Bright Doll, leaving Mario to do the Mario Shuffle (is it just me, or does this sound like a Dance Dance Fever clone?). Suddenly, a loud trombone blast is heard coming over the Binaca Hills.

Mario: Uh-oh . . .

~.~.~.~.~.~.~

What did you think? Sorry I haven't updated in a while!


	5. 5 More Binaca Hills Minty Fresh!

I do not own anything in this story, but some names are my own invention.  Also, I would like to apologize in advance to all those who have chosen alternative lifestyles.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~

As Mario turns around, another sharp trombone blast can be heard coming over the hills lying behind the small Piñata village of Binaca Hills.

Mario:  What-a was that-a?

F.A.G: USE YOUR BRAIN.  WHO HAVE WE MET WHO PLAYS TROMBONE?

Mario thinks for a little bit, looking confused, and then a light bulb suddenly appears above his head.  Mario grabs the light bulb, then drops it due to its incredible heat.

F.A.G: MORON.

Sudden realization dawns on his face.

Mario: 0.0 It's-a Petey Piranha!…-a.

Mario climbs to the top of the village bell tower, crosses over the tightrope which has no apparent function, and climbs the cliff face to the top of the hill.  There, he finds that the land is covered in goop, and the munchkin blobs are bubbling up everywhere.  Mario spin jumps and sprays F.A.G, clearing the area of Malevolent Homosexual Mind Control Goop™ (MHMCG).  He then sees that Petey is standing on a plateau in the middle of an endlessly deep ravine (many of these in the Mushroom Kingdom, aren't there?), dancing and blowing on the trombone in an unnatural fashion (rectally).

Mario:  How-a am I-a supposed to hit-a him when he's-a all the way-a over there-a?

However, Mario soon finds a solution, in the form of floating pig balloons with sucker mouths.  One of these attaches to F.A.G's mouth, and suddenly a heart appears between the pig balloon's and F.A.G's head while the love theme from "Romeo and Juliet" plays in the background.

Pig Balloon:  (in a feminine voice)  I finally kissed a guy, oink!

F.A.G:  YOU ARE FEMALE?  BLECK!!!

F.A.G tries to shake the pig balloon off, but is unsuccessful.  Resignedly, the aquatic gun sprays water into the balloon's mouth, causing it to swell to about the size of Mario's head.  This causes Mario much discomfort, and he presses the release lever on F.A.G's handles.  The balloon shoots towards Petey at high velocity, coming into contact with the flower's rectal blow horn.  The result is an explosion comparable to a small missile.  When the smoke clears, Petey is covered in soot, a furious expression on his face.

Petey:  Balloon go boom-boom!  Me hurt now!  ME KILL YOU!!!

Mario and F.A.G: Uh-oh(-a)…

Mario leaps off of the hill, lands perfectly without hurting himself in any way, and starts to run towards the creek.  Suddenly, flapping can be heard in the air, and Petey appears from over the hill, flying over the village.  Mario sprays water up at the bloated plant, but Petey only turns around and spews MHMCG all over the village, causing the houses and residents to sink into the ground.  Mario is getting ready to spray Petey again, when F.A.G suddenly speaks.

F.A.G:  HANG ON, I HAVE AN IDEA.

F.A.G's leopard-skin belt unbuckles on its own, and F.A.G switches to the Rocket Nozzle (For a quick, powerful release every time!).  Everything goes into slow motion as F.A.G rises into the air, then stops completely as a message appears across the screen:  **Steer F.A.G Towards Petey's Mouth!  The screen cuts out to the player, who has an evil grin on his face.  Back in the game, the word ****GO**!** appears on the screen, and time speeds up to normal.  F.A.G  flies towards Petey's mouth, then at the last second does an amazing loop-de-loop, flies between Petey's tiny leafy legs, and right into his anus.**

Mario: 0.o -a

F.A.G:  6_6 I GUESS THIS IS THE CLOSEST I'LL EVER GET TO REAL… LOVE.

Petey:  This reminds me of this one time, at band camp..

But suddenly, Petey lets out a high-pitched scream as F.A.G switches to the spray nozzle.  Petey's belly (which really shouldn't exist since plants don't have bellies…

Everyone in Game:  Get on with it!

As I was saying, Petey's belly quickly filled with water, causing it to bloat to about the size of…Mario's belly!

Mario:  Hey-a, I've been-a trying Weight-a Watchers, but the-a portions are so-a small!

Now, if everyone will STOP INTERRUPTING ME, we can get on with the story.  Good?  Good.  So, quite abruptly, F.A.G rockets out of Petey's multi-talented rectum, his nozzle covered in brown paint.

Everyone: 0.o

F.A.G: OH, SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE I'VE FINALLY FOUND YOU…

Anyway, as this silly scene plays out to its full conclusion, Petey falls to the ground, Mario Ground Pounds his navel, collects the Rainbow bright doll, does the Mario Shuffle, yadda yadda yadda.

Mario:  Woo-hoo!  We finally got-a the Doll after two-a pages!  Now-a what?

But suddenly, Mario's question is answered for him, as a bright neon glow appears from behind the windmill (which still seems to have no purpose).  Mario cleans F.A.G in the river, puts the pump back on his back (Here we go-a!), and runs to the lake.  Once there, it is apparent what the neon sign reads:  "Dirty Lake Cave.  Secret!"

Mario:  I don't-a know-a, it could-a be a trap-a…

F.A.G:  GEEZ!  PROOF THAT EVEN IF YOU'RE STRAIGHT, YOUR MIND MIGHT BE CURVED.

Ignoring this needlessly rude comment, Mario jumps onto the nearest leaf-boat, sprays F.A.G in the direction opposite of that which he wishes to go, and finally arrives at the Secret Cave.  When Mario enters it, he finds himself in a strange room, which is decorated in pink hearts, poofy cushions, and a single coffee table shaped like a hand.  "Centerfold" by the Jay Guilles Band is playing in the background.  Mario sits on one of the cushions, then notices a magazine lying upon the table, which is entitled "Mushroom Kingdom Menagerie".  Mario picks up the magazine, and when he opens it, a poster unfolds, the sight of which causes him to scream.  He throws it on the table, revealing a naughty secret:  Peach is the centerfold, entirely nude except for her crown.  Meanwhile, F.A.G is acting rather strangely.

F.A.G:  STRAIGHT PORNOGRAPHY IN AREA!  HOMO DEFENSE MECHANISM!

F.A.G's nozzle begins to spin rapidly while spraying water, drenching the cave walls.  Suddenly, the room seems to melt away, until all that is left is a Rainbow Bright Doll sitting on a boulder.  Mario grabs the doll and does the Mario shuffle, then runs out of the cave.  As soon as Mario exits into the lake, a random Piñata can be heard shouting.

Random Piñata:  Shadow Mario on the loose! Ba-dub ba-dub!

Mario:  He-a looks nothing-a like me-a!

But sure enough, Jack is running around the village, trying on penny loafers and causing all-around havoc.

Jack:  Haha!  I'm just one naughty boy!  Come here and spank me, tubby!

Mario jumps out of the lake and chases Jack, but the master homo is just too slippery for him.  Exasperated, Mario is about to give up, when suddenly he gets an ingenious idea.  A few minutes later…

Mario:  Hey-a flabby buns-a!

Enraged, Jack prances over to Mario.  He's just about to slap the plumber, when something catches his eye.

Jack:  Gucci!!!

Jack runs over to the bag lying on the ground, ecstatic.   However, he realizes (too late) that this is a trap, as a cage falls from above.  Cornered, Jack does the YMCA, which causes him to disappear.  In his place is a Rainbow Bright Doll. Mario lifts the cage, grabs the doll, yadda yadda yadda.

F.A.G.:  YOU KNOW, THIS IS STARTING TO SOUND LIKE AN EPISODE OF SEINFIELD.

Mario is just about to comment, when suddenly something purple runs by.  Mario starts to chase after the blur, but in only a few seconds, a lightning bolt strikes it, sending red coins all over the lake.  After watching all this, Mario looks down at the place where the lightning struck and immediately spots a charred crocodile with a very familiar hat.

Mario:  Croco-a?

Croco:  No, it's Croco!  Jeez, you're mind's so slow, you couldn't outwit a turtle!  Now, could you do me a favor?  See all those red coins?  I need them for…uh…private business.  You think you could move your fat butt and get them for me?

Mario:  Why-a should I-a?

Croco:  Maybe this could sweeten the deal.

He holds out a Rainbow Bright Doll.

Mario:  Okie-dokie!

So, Mario grabs a rocket nozzle, gets onto the unnecessarily complicated rope arrangement, and collects all of the red coins while managing to avoid the Avon salesghosts.  When he collects the last coin, Mario tries to do a dance, slips magnificently, and falls to the ground.  Luckily, he lands on a puffy little person, who is effectively squashed like a Goomba; Mario, however, is unhurt.

Croco:  Wow, you got all the coins AND you squashed the brat that zapped me.  Thanks a million!  Here's your crummy little doll.

With that, Croco zooms off and Mario does the Mario Shuffle on top of the puffy guy.  After a few minutes, though, Mario realizes what he is doing and bends down to pick the guy up.  Only then does Mario recognize him.

Mario:  Mallow?

Mallow:  I'm a frog!

Mallow tries to jump, trips over his own feet, and tumbles into the lake, where he is attacked violently by the water bugs.

F.A.G.: ONLY ONE MORE TASK.

Mario:  What-a would that-a be?

But, as always, Mario's question is answered for him, as the sunglass salesman runs up to him.

Sunglass Salesman:  You'll never guess what I found!  It's a Rainbow Bright Doll!  I'll sell it to you for 100 coins!  Ba-dub ba-dub!

Mario: Shove-a it.

Mario punches the salesman in the face, grabs the doll and runs.  While he's running, he does the Mario Shuffle (to save time and look like an idiot).

Mario:  Woo-hoo!  Now-a can we leave-a?

F.A.G.: YES.

Mystery Voice:  Not so fast.

Suddenly, the sky grows dark and stormy.  As a lightning bolt shoots across the sky, a huge mass falls out of thin air and crashes into the village.  As the mass stands up, Mario realizes that it is a 9'6", 723 lb. lizard, whose name is…

Mario:  0.0 Larry Koopa!...-a.

Da-da-dum!

Larry:  Yes, it is I.  As you can see, I am fully grown now, and my voice no longer cracks.  Mwuahaha!  But you won't be leaving me here alone, cause once I'm done with you, I'm going to take those dolls of yours and use them to turn all of Broadway gay!  Mwuahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

F.A.G.:  YOU IDIOT.  MOST OF BROADWAY IS QUEERER THAN A FISH IN A RAINCOAT.

Larry:  Did..you..just..call..me..an IDIOT?!!

Larry goes into a rage and charges at Mario, who backflips onto a building.  Larry crashes into the building, sending Mario flying.  Mario gets up a second later, however, and runs towards Larry, who is standing bow-legged and ready to blow flames.  Mario dodges flames, slides between Larry's legs, kicks up from the ground, and grabs the koopa's tail.  Mario pulls the tail, bringing Larry to his belly, and starts swinging the koopa prince around in circles.  Finally, Mario let's go, sending Larry flying over the Binaca Hills.

Petey: (sitting on his plateau)  Me high from fumes.  Whoa, that cloud look like…

Splat!

Mario does the Mario Shuffle, and then a bright rainbow light flashes, causing him to disappear.

Narrator:  Mario and F.A.G. have finally cleaned the polluted pot-smoker's paradise, Binaca Hills.  Mario has collected 10 Rainbow Bright Dolls, but there are many more to find and his quest is far from over.  Will Mario and F.A.G. be able to clean the island?  Why was Larry Koopa here?  Mario will struggle to find the answers to these questions, as well as a health center, as he travels to the port town of Reek-o Harbor!

Would you like to save?

-Yes.

-If you even THINK about saying no, I will erase your entire Memory card and then hunt you down like an animal!

Yes.

The screen fades to black, as does the gamer's mind.


End file.
